Total Recall, Totally.

When I was in elementary school I was an intensely shy child. I was afraid of other children to a point that almost anyone could get away with bullying me. At one point it led to me peeing myself in my kindergarten gym class because I was afraid of asking the teacher to go use the bathroom. There I was sitting in a disgusting puddle of urine on the floor of the gymnasium, hoping that nobody would notice. They did notice, and I got to go home early, and I admitted to my mother that I was scared of the gym teacher lady. They made me talk to her about it, and the woman did not understand why I was so scared of her. She looked hurt, and told me I could always ask her for anything I needed. I do not understand why I was scared of her still.

When I was in the first grade I went to the restroom with a restroom pass, as was the standard procedure. Two older kids, I am not sure what grade they were in, came into the restroom being loud, and trying to act cool. Your regular everyday jerks. I was using the restroom stall, but I was pretty gun shy then, so I just kind of waited standing in the stall, hoping they would leave so I could pee. One of them kicked open the door to the stall, which had no lock on it. They both came in the stall and terrorized me. I did not pee myself, but I do remember crying. I did not fear for my physical safety, but they stole my hall pass out of my hand. I was convinced that I would be in a lot of trouble if I lost my hall pass, and also I was positive that I would never recognize these kids if I tried to rat them out because I could barely look them in the eye. They turned it into a sad game of monkey in the middle at one point, and then they left cackling down the hallway. I just sat there, relieved. They had taken the hall pass, but at least I got to pee(so much relief going on at this point).

I remember thinking if somebody caught me without my pass I would be damned to hell for all eternity, so I felt the genuine need to sneek back down the hall to class like a spy. When I got to the classroom my teacher, Mrs. Morris asked me where the hall pass was. I said I did not know and just kind of looked scared and sad, which I was. I do not recall ever telling any adults about this one though.

I had a similar experience in the sixth grade, but that is another entry.


Playlist: Paper Airplanes, Coffee, The Agent

I am here

Doing my best to pretend I don't care. Turning my back and not paying attention. Answering phone calls and feigning being a.o.k.

This begins an era of focus. I am focused from now on. I will be what I want to be and do what I want to do.

Also: I do not ever want to go back to Dino's again as long as I live. So I will probably see you there next weekend, or something.


Playlist: The Agent, The Promise Ring, The Old 97's, The The(no, not really)

Something Vague

I've never heard this song before. It seems really long.

"Don't look at your friends!"
"I'm self conscious, I can't help it."

After about an hour of this(not really) the song is over.
I feel ok.


Playlist: Built to Spill, Tom Waits, Man is the Bastard