Monday, February 16, 2009

RE: If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

In late August of 2005 I went with my girlfriend at the time and her family to visit some of their extended family in Mexico. I wrote a brief account of my trip in an email to my good friend Kevin Bowman, whom I wish I could see more often. Here is most of that email:

"we left the following morning around 6 or so. easy drive, only took five hours. we get to jessica's parents, go eat some sweet food at this place called johnny's burritos(like, whoa this place rules). after that we took off on our way to ensenada, mexico. it's in the mexican state of baja california, home to such wonderful places as tiajuana(i hate it when people call it TJ), and mexicali. that put our drive total at about 11 hours that day. but damn, was it worth it. her dad bought us all dinner at this corner stand that made the best carne asada tacos i've ever had. i was also able to buy the following things that are not available(at least not widely) in these here united states: manzana lift apple soda, fireworks(the real deal but i'll get to that later), mr. big candy bars, and the ever elusive churros filled with caramel and strawberry syrup. afterwards we spent like 2 hours driving around looking for a motel. we found one eventually in a sketchy(aren't they all) area called 'el kuku'. the logo on the sign was a naked baby from behind wearing cowboy boots with a kiss mark on its right buttock. pretty sweet. only one room was left, the suite commonly known to them as 'el presidente'! 2 bedrooms and a jacuzzi and a full kitchen and bathroom. so basically we stayed in a mexican apartment, jessica and i took one creepy bedroom and her sisters took the other with her parents sleeping on the extra matress in the living room. amazingly there were no roaches. one thing to take note of, however, is the incredibly weak water pressure in mexico. the toilets all seemed to flush fine(appropos), but sink and shower pressure were not so great.
the next day we ate carnitas(the real deal) for breakfast at her uncles house and throughout the course of the day i learned that absolutely nobody has central air or heating in their houses in mexico. vents in walls are very odd to them. pretty neat, and hot. after this we made our way to something called la bufadora, which is basically a point where two big cliffs come together on the ocean in a way that the waves shoot water up like 300 feet into the air when they crash there. around this thing they have build a huge touristy mall type thing where people pettle their wares. is that the correct pettle? pedal? petal? who cares. anyway, they had all kinds of rad stuff, lots of churros stands and perscription drugs and food. it ruled. and the la bufadora thing was pretty intense too. there were candy shops that made the candy stuffs right there on the street and around these there were almost swarms of bees. some lady got stung and said "ohmigod, i just got stung by a bee". it was brutal. we made some purchases there, one of which was a big bag of m-80's and some bottle rockets. then we went back to jessicas aunts where we ate more carne asada. my only dissapointment during this whole trip was the lack of sea food, though i'll admit i'm still pretty thankful i didn't end up with tricanosis after eating that carnitas. damn that was some good pig. after we got back we went to the firework shop that is just around the corner from her uncles house, i bought her little cousin some fire crackers(he was thrilled, his father is strict and normally wouldn't allow such tom-foolery), and for myself i bought the ever amazing and awe-inspiring cherry bomb. now i know whatcher thinkin', something that resembles a smoke bomb, but instead of smoking it explodes. no dice. it was like a fucking cartoon bomb, all round with a big ass fuse coming out of the top, it was plastic, and it was red red reddddddddd. a thing of beauty. it was also five bucks a pop, but hey, what's five bucks when they don't exactly sell them around the corner where i'm from?
a word about mexican fireworks...sure those fuses look long, but damn, they burn fast as shit. if you light one of the m-80's, you have less than 5 seconds to throw it. it blows up well before it hits the ground, and it sounds like a fucking gun shot. we went down to the beach to light them shits off, and man, it was the most fun i ever had running from dangerous explosives. the main thing we tried to do was light off multiple fireworks at once. my record stood at 5 bottlerockes from one match. i also managed to light off 4 m-80's all at once. it sounds like a gang war, i tell ya. the grand finale though, was the wonderful and fantastic cherry bomb(or cherry boomba, as the spanish speaking native cousins called it). nobody else had the cajones to light it. to be honest, neither did i, but fuck if i was wasting five bucks. hand or no hand, i wanted to see that thing explode! we were in a kind of spot where the elevation was lower, so i had been lighting things off on the side areas where i wouldn't have to lean face first over the explosive things. we took an empty potato chip bag and filled it with sand, then half burried the c-bomb in it. i placed it on the top of one of the ridges and calmed my nerves. then i wasted about 7 matches trying to light the damn thing in the wind. it did light though, and i ran like hell about 25 solid feet way, plugged my ears, turned and watched. the fuse burned down, and about a full two seconds passed, then...BOOM! it was the loudest explosion i've ever heard up close. i felt a shock wave slam into my shins and whiff past me. it was insane, and everyone was in awe. i couldn't believe people sold those things...to children no less! needless to say, it was the greatest single second of my life. i was still amazed by it on the way home later that night...
it took us 5 hours to get from the valley to ensenada. it took 9 hours to get back the other way. we went through tiajuana because the border we had used the day before closes from midnight to 6am, and by the time we would've gotten there, it would've been closed. it took us 2 hours to get to the border. the whole time i was half asleep with people wheeling their limbless relatives past us and crazy dogs and small children begging and playing drums and things. it was surreal to say the very least. and damn scary. we made our way home eventually and went to sleep. the next day we drove home around 5 or so, made it home around 11, and hit the hay. work yesterday was a blast, obviously.
i even managed to register for one class. english 102, for the 5th time i think. man, i need to study more. and be less dumber. or something. yeah. this was a long reply. way longer than you expected i bet.
at least we didn't go to cabo, because i woulda had made it my mission to find sammy hagar and bitch slap him. i hate that guy."

I came across this looking for something in my old email address. I thought most of the memories shared within it were enjoyable enough to post here. It's weird to think that was over three years ago.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Due Process

Still yourself. Make your musical selection. Place the earbuds in your ears and think. While you think, let your fingers roam over the keys, just like they used to when you were 19. You were somehow less self conscious and at the same time moreso then. What's the topic? The topic is love. The topic is always love. Girls, friends, family, hobbies, it always boils down to passion. To love. To what you feel so strongly about.

There was a time when I wrote at least a page a day, and the only person I shared it with was John Robison. People hated John, but nobody that ever really knew him hated him. He's just as defective as anybody else. I stopped sharing with him eventually, and sometime after that I stopped writing all together. I got swept up in my twenties, working, trying to find myself, and with that I stopped analyzing myself deeply enough to ever really figure anything out. To recognize my strengths and my weaknesses. I always hear about them from other people, but I cannot simply recognize them myself.

Love, love and rejection, love and marriage? No, no marriage yet. These are my two most common themes. I think about them. I write about them. I pine over them, and I constantly try to defeat them. I try to figure them out. I try to own them. Have I succeeded yet? Why the fuck am I listening to Tiger Trap right now? Because I am not despondent, not like I have been.


The hardest thing for me to figure out since my last relationship ended was how to date women. I've never done it. I've never wanted to do it. I always fell into relationships with people who were at first just close friends. The dating thing always seemed so conformist, and not that I'm some kind of iconoclast, but I just didn't think it felt right. I still don't think it feels right. The whole thing seems creepy and contrived. Dudes buy girls dinner and then it's just supposed to happen? I'm sorry, if you are a girl and you can honestly say "he should at least buy me dinner first" about having sex with somebody, you probably shouldn't be having sex with the person you're saying that about. I am getting ahead of myself here. What works for me obviously won't work for everybody else, and I can accept that. But the whole system just seems broken to me. What I think I really mean is that the whole system is broken for me. And that's why I always champion the underdog, because I feel like I've got things so incredibly stacked against me. Why do I feel this way? Because I'm overweight? Because I lack confidence? Well, yes. That's exactly it. I don't think I'm good enough for anybody, I don't think I'm smart enough for anything, and when things do happen in my favor I find myself riddled with questions as to why that would ever happen. I feel like the wool has been pulled over my eyes and that everything going on is just some kind of huge joke being played on me when things go well.

My entire love life has been built apon one major principal: It doesn't matter if I fuck up because I don't deserve it anyway, and eventually they'll all find out.

Where does that leave me? Alone again. What's wrong with being alone? Nothing, entirely. But seriously, if you can ask this question in an accusitory tone, fuck you. I don't care if you want to be alone. That's fine. I enjoy having somebody in my life in a romantic capacity, and I've been without it for long enough. I don't want to "play the field", and I don't need to have sex with any more people that I don't care about. I don't need anybody to hold my hand, but I do want somebody to. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have a balance I'd like to strike between wanting somebody and needing somebody. I want somebody, and that's all fucking right.

This is too bitter.
All I really know at this point is what I want.
I want somebody who wants me as much as I want them.
And I don't want them to be shy about it.

I drink too much.


Playlist: Tiger Trap, That Dog, Old 97's, wine

Monday, January 19, 2009

Cologne is like mouthwash for assholes.

My roommate and I were at the park near the carousel. I noticed a young couple moving to get onto it. The girl was rushing forward, literally squealing with giddiness. The gentleman who was with her lolligagged behind with the biggest ever "I'm gonna get laid" smile on his face.

I immediately thought that he thought that. Then I thought, how about this self: perhaps it's two people who enjoy each others company greatly doing something fun today, you ever think of that, asshole?

I've never understood the idea that somebody could think at any time during a date that they're "totally getting laid". I can't ever have that kind of confidence. If I'm making out with a girl I don't think that. If I'm going down on a girl I couldn't be that cocksure. As a matter of fact, even as my penis is going into the vagina, until I get it in there, and then pump once and keep going, I'm not entirely sure if it's going to happen.


Playlist: The Killers, Marked Men, Infest

Monday, January 5, 2009

You can do anything.

I met a girl and she is incredible. She likes me too. I am heavily anticipating what will happen next.
I still haven't found work yet and I am terrified. I feel so close to failing with everything. Teetering. I keep thinking about everyone I would let down and how my mom and dad believed in me, at least to some extent. I just want to succeed so badly, and it hasn't happened yet, but I'm not supposed to be defeated this damn soon. I feel lost again and I thought I was really done with that feeling. I did.

Final summation: I'm scared(but not cold.)


Playlist: Jacks Mannequin, Piebald, Shellac, Lagwagon

Friday, January 2, 2009

Self

I am not afraid of commitment, but I am so damn terrified of being hurt that I keep on not allowing people the time they need to make decisions about me, or concerning me. I get all twisted up thinking everything is not going my way and make selfish and stupid decisions based on this. I have got a lot of work to do and a great deal to figure out still.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The world feels high strung right now.

When did everyone get so sensitive? Are we really just going through an awful time? Everything I say, lately, seems to be bothering somebody massively. Am I a jerk? Well, yeah, of course I am a jerk. I am callous and selfish, I am as ugly inside as I am on the outside.

I am sensitive, and inconsiderate. This is a weird mirrorish idea right now. In the last two weeks I have been told that I am both ultimately sensitive, and ultimately rude. I have been told this by people who lately have seemed what I would label "ultimately sensitive, and ultimately rude" themselves. How accurate can this accusation be, then?

I have been really letting myself go this month. Losing it. Losing my mind, my willpower, my self control. And I have not been getting anything at all done. Is it possible to salvage November now that I am half of the way through it? I am not even so sure anymore. It will probably be the all too prominent case of "too little too late". Story of my life.

Hey guys, sorry if I have been a jerk to you lately. It has been 25 years and I am still not entirely equipped to be the perfect gentleman. I will figure it out one day though.


Playlist: The Pixies, coffee

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

About you, about me.

Everything is emotional.
Everything is real.
Everything is worth your consideration.

If you can move yourself too far away from that fact, you are a bad person.
If you can make yourself ignore it, you are ignoring the part of you that makes you human.


Playlist: The Smiths, Fugazi, The Apples in Stereo