The world feels high strung right now.

When did everyone get so sensitive? Are we really just going through an awful time? Everything I say, lately, seems to be bothering somebody massively. Am I a jerk? Well, yeah, of course I am a jerk. I am callous and selfish, I am as ugly inside as I am on the outside.

I am sensitive, and inconsiderate. This is a weird mirrorish idea right now. In the last two weeks I have been told that I am both ultimately sensitive, and ultimately rude. I have been told this by people who lately have seemed what I would label "ultimately sensitive, and ultimately rude" themselves. How accurate can this accusation be, then?

I have been really letting myself go this month. Losing it. Losing my mind, my willpower, my self control. And I have not been getting anything at all done. Is it possible to salvage November now that I am half of the way through it? I am not even so sure anymore. It will probably be the all too prominent case of "too little too late". Story of my life.

Hey guys, sorry if I have been a jerk to you lately. It has been 25 years and I am still not entirely equipped to be the perfect gentleman. I will figure it out one day though.


Playlist: The Pixies, coffee

About you, about me.

Everything is emotional.
Everything is real.
Everything is worth your consideration.

If you can move yourself too far away from that fact, you are a bad person.
If you can make yourself ignore it, you are ignoring the part of you that makes you human.


Playlist: The Smiths, Fugazi, The Apples in Stereo

What price?

I am just as confused as most of you are. I don't really have it all that figured out.
I am very insecure, no matter how cocky or uncaring I may seem.
I do not really know what I am going home to.
I am scared, and worried, and excited, and looking forward to every minute.
Except the ones that will be spent lonely and in debt.


Playlist: The Pixies, This American Life, Chuck Klosterman IV

Don't care?

I find that the most care free times in my life are those when I don't care. Oddly enough I am usually pushed to feel this way when I have alot of things to care about, but I really just don't want to care about them.

When I was going to community college I would wake up in the morning, get ready, get to school, and think about how much I just didn't give a fuck.

When I was amassing huge amounts of credit card debt in San Diego because I was overspending to compensate for the horrible feelings provide by my failing relationship, I didn't really give it much thought.

To be perfectly honest, I don't want to get hurt anymore. Will I be alone? I really shouldn't care. And what's going on now? I don't give a fuck.

I'm in Santa Fe, NM making a movie. That is life right now.


Playlist: Foo Fighters, Bedhead, Superdrag

No New Zealand is not Good New Zealand

I am in Santa Fe, NM. It is as unhappening as I remember it. It is hard to start something new, fresh, and exciting, and then have to leave it all behind. I'm not even sure how far this will go, but I kind of hope it goes far. Sure, I have my doubts, but after what I've been through these last few years, doubt isn't just renting out part of my brain, it is paying a fucking mortgage.

I did not think it would be so hard to sleep by myself, on a couch in a living room in a house full of strangers. As it turns out, it really really is. And the last few days all I can tell myself is that I'm doing the wrong things, and that I am going about things the wrong way. I'll always be behind. I'm full of a terrible loneliness and isolation here. I feel so very far away from everything I love and care about, and it is eating me alive.

I just want to do well.


Playlist: Jay Reatard, Beat Happening, the Halo Benders, Beirut

Loose Leaving

I've been living in Los Angeles for about a week now, a little longer. I keep hanging out with the same girl and I think she's really sweet for the most part. Something still seems strange though. The day after tomorrow I leave for work in Santa Fe, NM and I will be gone until October 9th. It is inconvenient and very sad.

Yeah, that's probably it.


Playlist: GG Allin and the Jabbers, Spazz, Sidetracked, Sojourner, Q and Not U

Cacoon

Back to this again. Too much excess this week. I was drunk everyday for seven days straight. Try as I might, the nineteen year old version of myself was never able to accomplish this. And what was on my mind the whole time? Girls girls girls.

How about health? How about career? How about me, and not somebody else's effect ony the chemicals in my brain? How about some real fucking resolve?

No love, no crushes, no romance. Not until I am who I want to be. Here I am again, fasting from the most poisonous thing known to the human heart. I am entering a cacoon, to borrow an idea from my friend Randy. I will emerge when the time is right, according to nature. Obviously.

Gifts of affection still accepted, of course.

By the way, I live in LA now.


Playlist: the Ergs, Commander Venus, drugs, alcohol, swimming