Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Due Process

Still yourself. Make your musical selection. Place the earbuds in your ears and think. While you think, let your fingers roam over the keys, just like they used to when you were 19. You were somehow less self conscious and at the same time moreso then. What's the topic? The topic is love. The topic is always love. Girls, friends, family, hobbies, it always boils down to passion. To love. To what you feel so strongly about.

There was a time when I wrote at least a page a day, and the only person I shared it with was John Robison. People hated John, but nobody that ever really knew him hated him. He's just as defective as anybody else. I stopped sharing with him eventually, and sometime after that I stopped writing all together. I got swept up in my twenties, working, trying to find myself, and with that I stopped analyzing myself deeply enough to ever really figure anything out. To recognize my strengths and my weaknesses. I always hear about them from other people, but I cannot simply recognize them myself.

Love, love and rejection, love and marriage? No, no marriage yet. These are my two most common themes. I think about them. I write about them. I pine over them, and I constantly try to defeat them. I try to figure them out. I try to own them. Have I succeeded yet? Why the fuck am I listening to Tiger Trap right now? Because I am not despondent, not like I have been.

The hardest thing for me to figure out since my last relationship ended was how to date women. I've never done it. I've never wanted to do it. I always fell into relationships with people who were at first just close friends. The dating thing always seemed so conformist, and not that I'm some kind of iconoclast, but I just didn't think it felt right. I still don't think it feels right. The whole thing seems creepy and contrived. Dudes buy girls dinner and then it's just supposed to happen? I'm sorry, if you are a girl and you can honestly say "he should at least buy me dinner first" about having sex with somebody, you probably shouldn't be having sex with the person you're saying that about. I am getting ahead of myself here. What works for me obviously won't work for everybody else, and I can accept that. But the whole system just seems broken to me. What I think I really mean is that the whole system is broken for me. And that's why I always champion the underdog, because I feel like I've got things so incredibly stacked against me. Why do I feel this way? Because I'm overweight? Because I lack confidence? Well, yes. That's exactly it. I don't think I'm good enough for anybody, I don't think I'm smart enough for anything, and when things do happen in my favor I find myself riddled with questions as to why that would ever happen. I feel like the wool has been pulled over my eyes and that everything going on is just some kind of huge joke being played on me when things go well.

My entire love life has been built apon one major principal: It doesn't matter if I fuck up because I don't deserve it anyway, and eventually they'll all find out.

Where does that leave me? Alone again. What's wrong with being alone? Nothing, entirely. But seriously, if you can ask this question in an accusitory tone, fuck you. I don't care if you want to be alone. That's fine. I enjoy having somebody in my life in a romantic capacity, and I've been without it for long enough. I don't want to "play the field", and I don't need to have sex with any more people that I don't care about. I don't need anybody to hold my hand, but I do want somebody to. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have a balance I'd like to strike between wanting somebody and needing somebody. I want somebody, and that's all fucking right.

This is too bitter.
All I really know at this point is what I want.
I want somebody who wants me as much as I want them.
And I don't want them to be shy about it.

I drink too much.

Playlist: Tiger Trap, That Dog, Old 97's, wine

Monday, January 19, 2009

Cologne is like mouthwash for assholes.

My roommate and I were at the park near the carousel. I noticed a young couple moving to get onto it. The girl was rushing forward, literally squealing with giddiness. The gentleman who was with her lolligagged behind with the biggest ever "I'm gonna get laid" smile on his face.

I immediately thought that he thought that. Then I thought, how about this self: perhaps it's two people who enjoy each others company greatly doing something fun today, you ever think of that, asshole?

I've never understood the idea that somebody could think at any time during a date that they're "totally getting laid". I can't ever have that kind of confidence. If I'm making out with a girl I don't think that. If I'm going down on a girl I couldn't be that cocksure. As a matter of fact, even as my penis is going into the vagina, until I get it in there, and then pump once and keep going, I'm not entirely sure if it's going to happen.

Playlist: The Killers, Marked Men, Infest

Monday, January 5, 2009

You can do anything.

I met a girl and she is incredible. She likes me too. I am heavily anticipating what will happen next.
I still haven't found work yet and I am terrified. I feel so close to failing with everything. Teetering. I keep thinking about everyone I would let down and how my mom and dad believed in me, at least to some extent. I just want to succeed so badly, and it hasn't happened yet, but I'm not supposed to be defeated this damn soon. I feel lost again and I thought I was really done with that feeling. I did.

Final summation: I'm scared(but not cold.)

Playlist: Jacks Mannequin, Piebald, Shellac, Lagwagon

Friday, January 2, 2009


I am not afraid of commitment, but I am so damn terrified of being hurt that I keep on not allowing people the time they need to make decisions about me, or concerning me. I get all twisted up thinking everything is not going my way and make selfish and stupid decisions based on this. I have got a lot of work to do and a great deal to figure out still.