Sunday, August 31, 2008

No New Zealand is not Good New Zealand

I am in Santa Fe, NM. It is as unhappening as I remember it. It is hard to start something new, fresh, and exciting, and then have to leave it all behind. I'm not even sure how far this will go, but I kind of hope it goes far. Sure, I have my doubts, but after what I've been through these last few years, doubt isn't just renting out part of my brain, it is paying a fucking mortgage.

I did not think it would be so hard to sleep by myself, on a couch in a living room in a house full of strangers. As it turns out, it really really is. And the last few days all I can tell myself is that I'm doing the wrong things, and that I am going about things the wrong way. I'll always be behind. I'm full of a terrible loneliness and isolation here. I feel so very far away from everything I love and care about, and it is eating me alive.

I just want to do well.

Playlist: Jay Reatard, Beat Happening, the Halo Benders, Beirut

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Loose Leaving

I've been living in Los Angeles for about a week now, a little longer. I keep hanging out with the same girl and I think she's really sweet for the most part. Something still seems strange though. The day after tomorrow I leave for work in Santa Fe, NM and I will be gone until October 9th. It is inconvenient and very sad.

Yeah, that's probably it.

Playlist: GG Allin and the Jabbers, Spazz, Sidetracked, Sojourner, Q and Not U

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Back to this again. Too much excess this week. I was drunk everyday for seven days straight. Try as I might, the nineteen year old version of myself was never able to accomplish this. And what was on my mind the whole time? Girls girls girls.

How about health? How about career? How about me, and not somebody else's effect ony the chemicals in my brain? How about some real fucking resolve?

No love, no crushes, no romance. Not until I am who I want to be. Here I am again, fasting from the most poisonous thing known to the human heart. I am entering a cacoon, to borrow an idea from my friend Randy. I will emerge when the time is right, according to nature. Obviously.

Gifts of affection still accepted, of course.

By the way, I live in LA now.

Playlist: the Ergs, Commander Venus, drugs, alcohol, swimming