Saturday, March 14, 2009

Dying is most definitely not fine.

There is something truly deeply wrong with the world around me. I'm not talking about the president now, or the president before, or the general state of politics, world affairs, or anything like that. Granted, those things are terribly wrong, and it does eat away at me a little bit, but like the self centered piece of shit I am it does not seem like anything too incredibly urgent to me.

This is not a suicide note. I could never kill myself. It is of course a selfish act, it is too final, and while I always talk about how unafraid of commitment I am, that is one I am not particularly interested in. Plus it would hurt. Alot. There is absolutely no way dying does not hurt unless you do it in your sleep. And even then, I bet you wake up just a little bit because it hurts so goddamned much.

I do not think I'll be dying anytime soon, but never at any point in my life have I ever thought that dying would be such a viable alternative option to life. I have never felt, until now, that if I were to perish in some kind of freak accident, or some kind of natural disaster, that I would be fine with it. If things somehow managed to cease to be for me, and please understand I am not wishing for this, I do not think it would be the worst thing in the world for me. To continue living would not be the worst thing in the world either. If things got worse, that would be the worst thing. Things feel so incredibly bad right now, that the following options both seem perfectly acceptable:

A) Things will get better, and this will pass
B) I will tragically die in some kind of weird incident that is no fault of my own

Choice A is obviously the best one. I would LOVE for things to get better. I like where I live, I like who I live with, I am in love with somebody (unrequited, sure), but it isn't all bad. I mean, come on, have you seen my kitchen? It's a nice kitchen! I like to clean it when I feel like shit (I'll probably be cleaning the kitchen after this).

Choice B is a bit more morose. People will miss me. I have no doubt about this, and that is ok. I'm not interested in this choice because I want to be missed. The main idea behind it is a sudden and quick relief of ALL PRESSURE. One second is all it would take and then every problem in my life would be gone. Of course my life would be gone too, but then again, like I said before; things are bad enough for me to even consider this would be ok.

How would I like to perish? Earthquake related mishap? Only if it's sudden and quick. Hit by a car? Same deal. Overdose on drugs? No, I have no interest in that. Sure, Lenny Bruce did it, and he was rad, but it isn't for me. It is kind of sloppy. I think ideally I would die saving somebody I care about from a fire. Or a cute dog. These are not fantasies, really. I do not want to die, I have to put alot of emphasis on this just in case anybody who cares about me reads this. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. I won't kill myself. I won't seek out a way to die as I have listed above. You can't go out and find an earthquake to die in.

Essentially this entire thing is an homage to Shawshank Redemption. Get busy living, or get busy dying. Since I won't be busy killing myself, I only have the one choice. I know this will pass. It always does. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so badly.

Playlist: Everytime I Die, Death, Death by Stereo, Dead Can Dance, Ra Ra Riot (this list is mostly a joke)